fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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