You just made me feel so damn special
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
