Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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