so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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