Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
How external is "for external use only"?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
