ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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