Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
