Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
