Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
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I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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