when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
