I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
