you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
