saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
