If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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