i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
