Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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