i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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