tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you had me at cake vodka
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
