very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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