My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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