I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
