i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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