oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
