dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
