your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
