How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
