my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
