i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
