I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
