Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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