We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How's work?
Spinning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
