I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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