why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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