Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
