I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
