Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
