I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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