i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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