I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
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I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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