um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
