he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
