If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
