every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
