I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
