I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
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It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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