i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
