It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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