mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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