A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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