I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
