you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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