He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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