We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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